


Ghostly Surprise

by Gamedy_Dragon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, F/F, F/M, M/M, Snark, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 19:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14455866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gamedy_Dragon/pseuds/Gamedy_Dragon
Summary: It was on a sunny July day that Naruto learned a very important lesson. Never use a body-flicker when your enemy has access to the Kamui; the answer to that is a disaster.





	Ghostly Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> There is a two month gap between the Prologue and chapter two. One can mature and improve lots in that time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go To The Next Page To Get The Real Thing. This Is The Old Version, I Just Thought I would Leave It On Here. It's Only 6,000 Words If You Want To Read It. Multiple Spelling Mistakes With Horrible Speech, But Meh.

**PROLOGUE**

 

"Get off me, you fucktard!" Naruto flapped an arm out, the back of his hand connecting with a strong jaw, and used the other to push the invading foot out of his face. His captor held him down by his neck with one hand, his other hand going down to fasten the rope around the blonde's ankles, all the while trying to get the blonde to bite his own tongue, easily multitasking even with all the distractions ( _not that Naruto would ever admit he was captured like this: his pride was at stake as the best escapee of Konoha, able to escape every known capture move_!)

The captor hissed when his toes got bitten, abandoning the loosely tied ankles in favour of sticking two fingers between Naruto's blunt teeth ( _Damn that boy had some canines!_ ) and trying to pry that wicket mouth open, "Let go, Idiot!" Having your toes bitten was the equivalent of stubbing them, apparently ( _he feels sorry for the innocent baby's that have weird fathers now)_. He didn't have to do much, however, as Naruto gagged twice before spitting out all of the appendages, going cross eyed at the remaining taste, a " _Dwde! Thwose arw swome nastay fweet!_ " escaping his throat.

Strength seemed to return to Naruto very quickly, his chakra exhausted state forgotten as he rolled over, taking the masked captor, now prisoner, by surprise (" _Ack- Shit-!_ ") and gaining an advantage point by moving so he was kneeling on two palms, sitting on thin legs and pressing a hand to the broken orange mask, before going to his original task of gagging and getting the taste of feet out of his mouth.

"Why-" He cut himself off with another hurl, going cross eyed for another second, before gulping, shivering, and continuing to question the struggling man beneath his, "Why are you not wearing shoes! Ech!" The glare he tried to hold was completely ineffective because of the way his eyes were watering and he was choking on the aftertaste again.

His enemy didn't rest even though it was obvious who won the battle, "Get off me, Uzumaki! Or I swear I'll-"

"Or what?" Naruto shoved the head harder to the dry ground, ignoring the way his knees were starting to hurt despite the fleshy hand-cushion, "You'll stick more of those  _toes_ -" the word was said with much, much,  _much_  venom "-into my mouth-"

The orange masked man hissed furiously, "That was all your doing-"

"Mine!?" Naruto squawked, eyes widening in disbelief, free hand adding onto the one holding the head and lifting said head to get ready to bash his logic in, "You're the one that put them there-"

"-trying to make you bleed to death, idiot!"

"-how does that correlate with-"

"-enemies! I'm trying to kill you, and vice versa!"

"Nuh-huh! I could never to that to Kaka-sensei!"

"-Bakashi? What does he have to do with anything?"

"-He's really sad you know? Maybe you could be his birthday gift, it is right around the corner-"

"-You can go fuck yourself if you think that is happening!"

"Oh? And who says it isn't? I know perfectly well that I'm in control of this situation!"

"Oh, just you wait until I get my hand on you, brat!"

"-a red ribbon would suit you well- and maybe I could get Shikamaru to use his shadow stuff and get you to use my  _Sexy no Jutsu_ \- Kakashi would love that for sure, that  _big_  pervert!"

"..."

Naruto grinned at the sudden horror filled silence, eyes twinkling in silent glee. Of what he could see of the masked shinobi's face, his already too pale skin turned three shades whiter and the usually narrow obsidian black eye was wide and almost- what, shaking? Is that even a thing? Now it is, apparently.

"You wouldn't..." a half whimper and half weak chuckle escaped the masked mans throat, eyes starting to dart around while he tensed his whole body. Naruto wasn't that cruel, was he?

A silent laugh bubbled in the blonde's chest, and he leaned back, removing his hands from the others' head while he almost grinned maliciously ( _He needs to spend less time with that damn loveable fox_!), "Wouldn't I?" He whispered out, and reached backwards, gripping the old discarded rope, "Because I could wrap you up nice and fresh with this little thing right here, and then all I'd have to do is take a five-minute stroll back to Konoha-"

Naruto hissed, flinching, when his knees left the fleshy palms and landed on a bunch of sharp stones, and could only watch in a two second daze as his enemy shot up, phasing right through Naruto ( _Did you know you can see the insides of the user when they do that? Well, Naruto just found out and is now scarred for life_ ) and forcing his almost chakra-less body into a quick stumble, heading towards the woods.

Jerking, Naruto turned harshly, snarling as he brought his hands into a semi-familiar hand sign, " _Oh no you don't, Uchiha_!"

A boost of chakra, or what was left of it, echoed through Naruto's body, and his body was propelled forward into the ribs of said Uchiha, only managing to catch a glimpse of a shining red eye before what felt like Guy's 'dynamic entry' hit the back of his head. He was out before he knew it.

 

**CHAPTER ONE**

 

"... ouch."

Naruto has been in a lot of painful situations, reality and Genjutsu wise. He's had scars and burns given to him, and bruises from whips and chains ( _The Anbu trails are the real thing)_ plastered on his body. He's overused the Kyuubi chakra, which wrecked his chakra coils from the inside out, has overused too much normal chakra, which left him with a headache, high fever, and sickness, has annoyed Tsunade to the point she hit and refused to heal him, and he even had a crow stuffed into his mouth at one point in his life. With Genjutsu based, he's seen and felt his skin move to make head shapes that look like his friends ( _ew_ ), has had many kunai and shrunken kill him in Genjutsu, been tortured through Genjutsu, and that bastard Sasuke has once made their spar so serious that he got to witness just what had made Kakashi go into a coma for a whole month.

All in all, he would gladly admit pain doesn't bother him all to much now, since he's felt so much of it.

But looking at this guy, a child, half under a rock, with one eye missing ( _or is it two? Half of his body is crushed right now-_ ), surrounded with enough blood to bathe in it, well.. he can just feel the pity pool in his body, because ouch it looks painful. And that wasn't even half ( _W H E E Z E_ ) of it.

The poor bastard was still alive; breathing heavily and feeling whatever pain he is in right now.

Fate is just too cruel.

But at least it likes him enough to not put him in half-guys situation.

He paused. Although not as historically challenged as his younger self, some things still take time to click in; like the fact he just remembered Kakashi telling him his friend, Obito Uchiha, and also the main villain and saviour, was half crushed under a rock, with only one eye left ( _which was probably in ruins_ ) because the suicidal idiot ( _Kakashi's words, nobody else's_ ) decided his eye was the perfect late gift to Kakashi.

Ah. This makes better sense now...

"Pft-" Naruto snorted, because despite the situation, this is just too good. "O-Obito Uchiha, the guy as s-strong as Madara, the guy who r-ruled an S-S-rank," He snorted again, eyes watering from his silent laughter, "-criminal organization, the guy who literally sealed off the Ten-Tailed Beast- was almost killed by a rock!" Oh this was just too great! And he even has blackmail, because he's a terrible liar and would never be able to make something like this up! Just wait until he tells Tsunade-baa and then they can laugh over sake-

'... _Wait a minute_ ,' laughter dying down, he realised how dire this situation, ' _if Half-boy is this young and small, then..._ ' looking down, he saw that, yes, his body was about ten years younger than what he was used to, and that's not all. He was naked too.

"... Aw, shit. My dick! It's so small!"

"A-Argh- U-Uzumaki. S-shut up!"

-

"Yep, yep, just a bit more chakra, Obito, and focus it more into your middle finger, since it's going to come in contact with the rock first-" The encouragement wasn't appreciated by the man with only one working arm, and Naruto knew why. Blood lose gives one a major headache, as well as terrible chakra control and sometimes even a high fever. Add all that to someone who's still bat-shit insane despite the five Talk-No-Jutsu's he had, and it just makes an overall irritable man.

"Since when did you become a master of this technique, Uzumaki." Obito groaned out, wincing at his higher and squeakier voice ( _oh god, he had to go through puberty again_ ), but tried to do as he was instructed.

Naruto scowled, waving off the question, "Since I got Tsunade drunk- now hurry up! I'm going to lose my tan by the time we're out of here!"

The Uchiha grunted, lifting his working arm  _(his left arm- this will be the only time he thanks Madara's weird training, because the old coot was right, having both arms available is useful, even if Obito knows Madara was talking about something else_ ), and channelling the right amount of chakra into the digits. "Oh please, we all know the tans natural," Obito said, and he gave another grunt, bringing his hand down onto the stupid rock that was pinning and crushing his leg.

The rock almost exploded; dust, crusted blood and broken fabric flying up in the air and clogging Obito's windpipe for a few seconds, but being the type of ninja he is ( _was_?), he recovered quickly and brushed off remaining pebbles that stuck to his bloody body.

Naruto stood off to the side, wondering what he could do to help.

"Now that is done," Obito grumbled, hobbling onto his one foot by leaning on the cave walls, making sure his wrecked arm and useless leg was touching nothing, because the bones in both of them was sure to be broken in twenty places, the skin was stretched around his right shoulder, elbow, hip and knee, and, really, the fact that Madara had actually cut off his arm and replaced it with some artificial shit should say enough about the condition. "Let's discuss the elephant in the room," the Uchiha continued, looking at his supposingly time traveling buddy.

Naruto nodded, face furrowing in thought, "Like the fact I've basically got no dick?" He said, looking down in himself.

Obito, too, nodded, although his was sage-like, "Yes. The fact you have no d- wait. You never had one to begin with." he pointed out.

"No, no," The blond disagreed, shaking his head, "I had one; Uchiha just have big standards."

The Uchiha shrugged, because it was technically true. Big standards, big pride, and a big-

"Don't we need to get out of here? And I need clothes. I can feel a draft." Naruto admits, reaching up and rubbing at his naked arms. It was chilly, and it was to be expected. Obito had 'died' in the morning, and plant man had gotten to said Uchiha at around mid-morning the next day, and since Obito has lost a lot of blood and plant man isn't around yet, it's safe to assume it's around midnight.

Also, wasn't that a great and exciting thing to think about. In a couple of hours, Old Coot Madara ( _Obito's words_ ) will have his hands on a half dead Uchiha.

"... Let's do the leaving part first," Naruto said, turning around and eye-raping the walls for any exits. There was one at the very top of the cave, if the yellow balls he can vaguely see say anything. "Since it's only been a dozen hours at most, we should catch up with your team at around sunrise-"

"No,"

Naruto blinked, looking back at the younger-than-normal Obito. "No?" he asks, because why wouldn't he-

A pair of goggles dangled from the tips of Obito's left hand, the tinted glass cracked with half of it missing, and he repeats, "No."

Naruto just kind of stares for a moment.

"We're not going to walk in the sun,-" the Uchiha starts, and he looks at Naruto, who suddenly realises just how mangled that face is. Half of it is caved in slightly, with his remaining eye looking slightly blind and squished, the other just being an empty and hollow socket. "-Without these goggles being fixed. We are going to the nearest town, which is thirty minutes away, and we're going to a custom shop where they will sell orange glass. And only then will we head to Konoha." his words were final, but Naruto couldn't help but worry slight over just one more thing.

"And, ah, what about the fact you're still bleeding heavily and need medical attention as soon as possible?" The blond asks mildly, gazing at the wounded and floppy limbs. They looked pretty bad, and he wasn't even a medic ninja.

Obito also gazed at them for a minute, thoughtfully, before giving a one sided shrug, "I'll go after. First, we need to fix my goggles."

Naruto suddenly realised how annoying his stubborn train-all-day-and-all-night-without-rest-food-and-water was.

"We can do that later. You're going to die if you don't heal yourself!" Naruto hissed, waving his arms around to express his point.

Obito gave him a look that said he was an idiot. "And I thought you were a genius with all the medical crap," he muttered. Shaking his head slightly, he sent an exasperated look at the blond, "Since when has a Ninja died of blood loss?" He asked.

Naruto opened his mouth to reply, before hesitating. Well... Kakashi was stabbed multiple times on the wave mission, had his stomach neatly cut open, and also got littered with other wounds, and he was still able to stand and walk all the way back to Tazuna's house without fainting. Old Coot Madara fought for a whole day, losing a lot of blood, and had even got stabbed in the back, yet he was still able to use his freaky eyes to bring him back to life without any faltering ( _which, by the way, was just cheating_ ). Orochimaru was beaten black and blue by Tsunade, and he got up like nothing ever happened. Deidara had both his arms exploded off and carried on like it was a normal day. Oh, yeah, and don't forget the boy in front of him. He was still alive.

But with those points, there was also Dan, Tsunade's old lover, who died of blood loss. Asuma, Itachi, Jiraiya and many more had died on a daily basis, too.

Obito caught his comprehensive look, and nodded to himself, "Chakra is a life force, and so as long as someone isn't near chakra exhaustion or out of chakra, you've basically got as much blood as you want." he explained.

Naruto raised an eyebrow, looking completely baffled, "Wait, would that mean Immortal Bastard Hidan had, like, infinite chakra?"

The Uchiha shrugged with one shoulder, turning away to look around with his limited vision, "Maybe. Didn't he explain this after you dug him out?" He asked.

Scratching his cheek, Naruto scoffed, "Nah, man. Just said more shit about his God, which was insightful in its own way." Obito gave him a weary side glance, and the blond sighed ruefully, "No, I'm not becoming a Jashinist. The council and Kakashi forbid me. Something about me being too powerful or some shit."

The Uchiha deadpanned at him.

Shaking his head, Naruto span around again, before crouching down and knitting his fingers together. He motioned towards Obito, "Stand on my hand. I'll push you up, and then you can lift me after."

Obito nodded. Hobbling towards the blond was a hit of a challenge, but once he got there he leaned on Naruto with his left hand and jumped onto the awaiting limbs. "Ready?" Naruto asked, and Obito nodded. He let go with his hand, gathering chakra into his fingers so they would stick once he grabbed onto the rocks edge.

"Then three, two, one," Naruto pushed his hands up and Obito jumped with his one good leg, managing to just reach the edge of the damn cave. He pulled himself over with effort, hearing Naruto call after him, "I might be able to get up on my own."

Blinking, Obito sets down his broken goggles from his neck to the ground, peering up at the night sky for a split second. It was around one in the morning, so eight hours after his supposed death. Turning around and painfully crawling his way over to the made exit of the cave ( _how his life had degraded at this point, so much so he was stuck at crawling because standing was painful_ ), he planted himself to the ground with chakra ( _he thanks the fact that during war time, excellent chakra control was a must_ ) and reached an arm out, getting ready to catch the crouching boy when he needed it.

( _Despite the fact Obito hates Naruto, and would gladly see the blond fall to his death, even he has to admit his only chance of survival right now, when all ninjas are against each other and the villages are against each other and everyone kills everything, lies in the blond pervert_ )

He could spot Naruto glance at the poked out rock next to him even with his limited vision, and knew what Naruto was going to do even before he did it.

"I'm jumping in three," Naruto called out, glancing at the half child before going back to his countdown, "Two," he shouted, gathering as much chakra as he could without blasting his leg off or something, and channelled it towards the bottom of his foot as he crouched lower, "And one!" With the final count, he leaped up and to the side slightly, getting ready to use the rock as a launching boast.

He would have landed on it, and most likely have gotten up, too, if he hadn't disappeared into it like nothing was even there.

Obito deadpanned as Naruto vanished, groaning, "For fucks sake, what has he done now."

 

**CHAPTER TWO**

 

Obito got twenty seven long, painful steps down the narrow hill before Naruto finally came to his senses. His first warning was the sound of flapping arms  _(and what the fuck does that sound like?),_  the second was fangirl-like squealing  ( _but, like, with a pitch of 'manly' horror in it_ ), and the third was a body ramming straight into his crushed ribs ( _and,_  ouch,  _that_ _hurt_ ) and the ground getting much to close despite his limited vision.

He wondered, in the two seconds he had before his nose kissed the ground, if this was Hell.

Like, it fits.

Naruto was  _the_  devil.

Even Kakashi would agree.

And those thoughts were flushed away when his face practically melted into the ground with a nice, wet, blood coated 'smack'.

Ah, pain.

"O-Obito!" The blond  _nuisance_ wailed, hugging the torso that was filled with broken bones too tightly, "I-I don' 'no' wha' I did bu' I waz' there an' then I waz' in a wall, an' I don' ' _no_ '!"

The grip, somehow, got tighter.

Obito wheezed, coughing out a nice wad of blood, and realizing too late it was a bad idea to spit it out because his face is still making out with the ground and, oh, would you look at that; there's more blood on his face, "I-if you do-don't let g-go, I'm g-gonna d-die, U-Uzumaki!" He growled, because he's pretty sure his lungs just got pierced by something.

Like a switch turned on ( _Oh, he wished it was off_ ), Naruto let go with a yelp, which Obito echoed when he was gracelessly pulled up to his feet-... foot. He pinned the blond Namikaze with the best glare someone with one ruined eye could give, and almost slapped him when his shirt was pulled up and hooked to the back of his head.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no! I'm so sorry, Obito! I didn't mean it!" The blond blabbered, poking and prodding at highly sensitive skin that he knew was blooming yellows and greens under all the blood. He was just one entire bruise.

No, wait- lets throw in a bucket of internal bleeding in as well. He could practically  _feel_  that.

Tears were in blue eyes if the watery voice was anything to go by, and while once upon a time he might have called this a victory, seeing his worst enemy ( _the one that_ _ **would not die**_ _despite getting lightning shoved though his chest and having an overload of vile and corrosive chakra flooded through his system_ ) shed tears, all he felt was exclusive horror because, well, this is the  _hero of Ninjas,_ not some bloody mother-hen who wept when their friends got a scratch.

He thinks he was excused when he rounded his hand blindly against tan cheeks. It brought him satisfaction, too, when he heard that Naruto almost went falling down the rest of the hill.

"C-cut it out! I'm fine!" Neither believed him, because from the painful wheeze he gave straight after, talking and breathing hurt.

"R-right," Naruto stepped away with a sniff, pulling the ruined shirt with him. Obito tried to grab at some dignity by brushing himself off.

Awkward silence ensued around them.

"...so..." trying to start a conversation with I-answer-with-one-word Uchiha's was hard, but starting a conversation with a I-was-insane-for-over-twenty-years-and-had-no-contact-with-anyone-I-wasnt-killing-for-half-of-that Obito was impossible unless you get a rouse out of him. Considering the only things that did such a thing was Kakashi, his goggles and the sensitive subject of his lack-of sex life, and hardly nobody knew that, socialing came to another level.

"Are we- like, should we go... or?" Naruto asked, gazing sideways to Obito's disfigured body, "You're probably gonna bleed out soon, you know."

The Uchiha scoffed at that thought ( _him? Bleeding out? Never_ ), twisting around and, pretending the stumble straight after didn't exist, strutted as much as he could down the rest of the cobble-y dome, "Hn. Hurry up, Uzumaki!"

The blond let out a cheer, running straight after him with a smile, "Great! So we go to the next town and fix your goggles, and then head straight to Konoha?" He asked, skipping positively.

Obito oozed negativity in reply, "It's either that or we head straight to Ame and quite frankly, I don't feel like getting wet." He grumbled, wincing when he hopped off a large stone, feet thudding painfully against the ground.

"You are really a downer, Obito," Naruto commented, ignoring the glare he got in return, "You need something to cheer you up!"

"No." Obito denied, seething.

The blond just hummed, winking, "I'm pretty sure I can be that other half for you!" He added finger guns at the end, cackling.

The hit he got was not deserved.

\- ( _Time Skip)_

Making sure to pass over the right amount of cash, Obito took the fixed, orange-stained goggles out of the workers old fingers, smiling down at them. They were a present off his grandmother, who had passed them over on his fifth birthday. It was special, since his grandmother was out of work because of age and bone aches, and it was only the Clan who got them through with a house and healthy food. Him being a social outcast, being too happy, too small, to be an Uchiha, and not having a sharingan at age eight to boot, had also dimmed the light people saw him in.

Behind him Naruto  _oooh_ 'd, and when he looked over, he was poking at a green frog wallet.

Obito sighed, resigned, and promptly stalked out of that shop without looking back. With any luck, Naruto wouldn't realize he left and would be stuck th-

"It's not nice to leave your friends behind, Obito!" The blond popped up beside him, looking disapprovingly at the Uchiha.

Obito, in return, seethed, glowering, "I am not your friend."

Naruto smiled, "Denial!" 

"I'm speaking the truth, damnit!"

"Aww," The blond coo'd, "Is that a pout I see?"

As they exited the small village, Obito gave his iciest glare he could manage. "No."   

"Whatever," Naruto sniffed, stalking ahead, using his extra leg as an advantage, "How long until we reach Konoha?"

"Hn," Sending out a pulse of chakra, using the fact he had chakra to his advantage, he could sense no large chakra sources for over two hundred miles. The road ahead looked rather empty too. "A while."

Naruto sent him a look, to which he responded with a one-sided shrug.

"Alright, so, before we get there we need a plan," 

Obito shot a disbelieving look at him, "You? Telling us we need a plan? Unbelievable, Uzumaki."

Naruto squawked, "Hey! I can come up with a plan too!" 

"Half of those plans ended up with you becoming critically injured, and on three occasions, sent you into a temporary death."

"Alright, alright," Naruto gave up, "Fine, my plans are rather bad. And in half of them I almost die, I understand that." He then shot an accusing look at Obito, "It's not like yours are any better- You tried to take over the world using a tree!"

The blond got a glare for his accusation, "It was, in fact, not my plan, Uzumaki. I did not come up with it in any way, shape or form.  _And_ I did  _not_ send myself into a state of death because of it."  

"You killed over ten-thousand people- how is that any better?" The Namikaze raised an eyebrow.

Obito sniffed, turning away slightly, "I brought them all back." The pointed silence continued. Obito sent him a small glare.

"Whatever," Naruto relented, "We still need a plan, though."

"Hn," Obito agreed, "Well, I don't think they'll take well to me showing up covered in bloodied bandages and nothing to wear."

"I guess," Naruto nodded, "And we need to do the  _Bodī hojū_  Fuinjutsu, too."

The Uchiha scrunched up his face, giving the blond an odd look, "The what?"

The Namikaze almost lost his footing as he spun to face Obito, his featured undignified, " _The wha-_  What do you mean ' _the what?_ '"

Obito huffed, exasperated, "I mean what I said. What's a  _Bodī hojū._ "

Naruto looked so terribly shocked for a moment ( _So much so that he stopped in his tracks and let Obito easily overtake him_ ) that Obito wondered if he had somehow broke the blond. However, it disappeared quickly and was replaced with understanding, "Ah, that's right. You were in hiding for last three months, right?"

Scowling at the word ' _hiding'_ ( _He was not hiding, just... recovering..._ ), he gave a short nod.

Jogging to catch up, Naruto began to explain, "Well, after the War ended, I decided the Nations needed an extra defense in case something of such happened again," he made an odd movement with his hands, "I'll spare you all the complicated theories about space and time and the boring shit, and get to the main parts. So, the idea was from the fact I found out the Edo Tensei basically takes a soul from the Other Side and places it in a body that will rearrange itself so that it matches the soul. So, if a soul from one miniature realm can cross into another, I wondered if I could grab a soul from a larger realm, or dimension, and put it into a body."

He gave a pause to see if Obito was following, and sure enough, he was. It was interesting, especially since nobody but Tobirama knew how Edo Tensei was made.

"Right," Naruto nodded, getting ready to continue, "Well, after figuring out a basic plan, I went and got myself a body," They both noticed that the blond din't mention where he got it, "and tried to contact the closest soul. Funnily enough, it worked, and the soul I contacted to possess the body went by the name of Jashin."

Naruto waited for it to click in.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Jashin..." Obito started, looking a bit pale, "As in the  _God of pain, death and destruction_? The God Hidan made up?"

Naruto scoffed, spinning around so he was facing the Uchiha and walking backwards, "Jashin is  _real._  I assure you. It's a God that likes equality, basically, but the views on how to get it are a bit screwed," he gave a small laugh at the small noise Obito made, and shrugged, "Do you want me to continue to talk about this, or get on with the Fuinjutsu?"

"Lets discuss the fact you talked to a God first, Uzumaki," Obito managed to get out.

Naruto nodded, "Right, so, Jashinism is a religious art rather similar to  _Buddhism_ and  _Taoism._  It tries to teach people to not fear death as the end of life, but rather as a restful peace. It makes its followers accept the concept of pain, and wants to make the world feel equal amounts of pain so that everyone can unite. Jashinist are required to be free of greed, lust, pride, slothish behavior, envy, and gluttonous tendencies much like  _Christianity_ , though wrath is not one of the sins for Jashinism. Or, rather, this is what I found out in the brief meeting Jashin and myself had."

Obito nodded, although he still looked confused, "Hn, so Jashin is very much real, I get that bit, but you're making it sound very... peaceful."

"I understand where you coming from, as Hidan was rather violent," Naruto admitted, "However, it's actually an old tradition to sacrifice people or animals. Today, Jashinists pray, which is why their are 'no' Jashinists, because everyone seems to think Hidan was the typical Jashinist and related Jashinism to killing and murder, although," the blond hummed, looking thoughtful, "Hidan may have taken on the old ways because Jashin was, in a sense, using Hidan's soul to stay bound to the earth."

"Why would he do that?" Obito asked, "Wouldn't a God have access to where it wants to go?"

Naruto laughed slightly, "You would think that, and it's true." he shrugged, "But Jashinism was dying out, with there only being ten followers by the time Hidan was nine, and when a religion is forgotten, the God kinda... fades away," he gave Obito a side glance, a wary smile on his lips, "I guess one way to be remembered is making a boy be the cause of a massacre in the name of 'His God'."

Obito had to agree with that, because even now ( _then? Future and past tense get confusing_ ) Itachi was known as the worst Missing-Nin, even though the true reason as to why he killed his clan was out.

"Hn. You were talking about your new Fuinjutsu, Uzumaki?"

Naruto smiled, rather relieved the subject was being changed. He wasn't religious. In fact, he was rather against it, and so talking about a God and knowing there was many more made him... queasy.

"So, basically, if there is a powerful soul nearby, this seal with create a powerful anchor that will allow the God or demon," he shrugged at the splutter Obito made, and reminded him, "Demons are real. As much as I hate to admit it, the fact that the tailed beasts are demons are a fact, and some bloodlines were actually created by  _offsprings_ of the Ten-tailed tree having intercourse with women," he nodded at the Uchiha's disgruntled noise, "Yep. Anyway, the seal allows any magical being to be connected to the earth in a human way. They get an average lifespan, average powers unless I alter the seal, and can produce offspring that will not, in any way, be 'God like'."

Obito looked at him like he had never seen him before, "And you did all this in three months?"

He got a snort in return, "Nah. That would be impossible." The Namikaze said, "I spent most of it in my Mind-space. Time goes three times slower in there, something to do with Kurama's chakra or some shit."

A disbelieving laugh escaped the Uchiha, "You know how to bring a God into out world but have no idea why time goes slower in your head?"

"Nope!" Naruto admitted without shame, turning around so he could  _skip_ further down the road, "And I have no interest spending several days figuring out why!"

Obito could only shake his head, but he should have guessed that spout of genius wouldn't last. Once a Naruto, always a Naruto.

"Hn. And how does this Fuinjutsu work, exactly?" Obito asked, having to raise his voice slightly so Naruto could hear.

Slowing down, the blond waited for the Uchiha to catch up before speaking, "It needs three glasses of blood, straight from the body and from three different people, white chalk, a Red Lily, a body, a handful of salt, a glass of water, a bijuu container, and some ropes." He listed off.

Obito sneered slightly, "You sound like you're planning and exorcism."

Naruto only laughed, shrugging, "Might as well be one, but instead of getting rid of the extra source, we're adding one."

"'We'?" The Uchiha asked.

"We." The Namikaze confirmed.

"I didn't agree to this."

"You don't need to, because unless you want me waking you up from your sleep and complaining about not being able to eat, you're helping me get a body."

"Touché," Obito relented.

"Yup."

"Where are we going to get a Red Lily?" 

"Konoha, of course." Naruto said, looking at Obito like he was stupid.

Obito thought Naruto was the stupid one, "Red Lily's didn't get to Konoha until three months after the Third War," He explained, "It was offered as a peace gift between Suna and Konoha because of the rearness of it."

"Darn it," Naruto hissed, "Has Konoha got any Blue Bells?"

"Nope," Obito shrugged, "I know Wave country has some, though." 

"How about Tiger Lily's?"

"The Land of Sharks hold a few."

"Fire Rubes?"

"The only grow in the Land of Lava."

"Pine Leafs?"

"Land of Wood."

Naruto sighed, exasperated, " _Gods,_  ah, Hollow Cups?"

"You know they only exist in the Land of Demon's."

"Yeah, yeah. Just testing my horrible luck. Um, how about Corc Tiles?"

"Those grow in the Land of Needles."

"Aren't we close to there?"

"Four days away, Konoha is eight, I think." Obito deduced. "And no, we're not going to the Land of Needles first."

Naruto let out an exaggerated groan, "I won't have a body for ages!"

"Deal with it."

"Fine then," The blond huffed, crossing his arms in a childish display, "Meanie."

"Hn. And you wonder why everyone treats you like a child." Obito drawled. "Just hurry up, Uzumaki."

"Alright. But this is not over!"

"It is. Now move your arse before I hand it to you!"

-

_ Some time in the timeskip _

_"I'm pretty sure your other half is out there, Obito." Naruto joked, nudging the man next to him as he wiggles his eyebrows. "Even if it's not me."_

_Obito gave his a miserable look, before dropping the shopping bags to the floor and grabbing the sake inside of one, opening it and downing half of it._

_If he was going to be stuck sleep deprived listening to these jokes, he was not going to be sober for it._

_(_   _Somewhere out there, Marco Bott's soul sneezed._   _)_

_-_

"Ah, Konoha," Naruto sighed, gazing lovingly at his once home village. The scuffs of dirt and broken bits of cobble stone was easy to ignore, "I'm back, baby."

"Aren't you supposed to say that to a lover?" Obito asked, sending him an odd look, "Because if I find out you've been doing something like that-"

The blond Namikaze blanched, gagging, "Dude, I'm one-hundred percent gay. The village, if you haven't noticed, is a female. There's no way that would work."

The Uchiha deadpanned, "I have a feeling I wasn't on about the fact- you know what? I am not losing brain cells for this." With that, he continued forward. His body was covered with new clothes which mostly hid his bandages, and his goggles were pulled over his eyes. With everything having been like that for the last three days, his body has had a break with losing blood, and put more effort into healing the open wounds.

Ninja-magic made it so that his leg was almost completely healed ( _Healed as in not bleeding every second of the day_ ), and he could now speed walk without pain.

Sadly, tree jumping still wasn't an option.

"Wha- Wait! Obito!" On the contrary, Obito found out Ghost-Naruto was Chakra sensitive in a way, and found that ramming a chakra infused fist into the blonds face made it feel like pins and needles stabbing his body. Given that Naruto was dense enough to not learn things on the first time, but the eightieth, Naruto was in a lot of pain every day.

He was now degraded down to a twitchy jog that sometimes had him face-planting the floor because his leg gave out.

"You can't just say- Hey! Don't ignore me!"

"I'll ignore you how much I want!"

"Wait! I- Ack! Shit!"

"I'm not going to wait for you, Uzumaki!" 

"We still haven't come up with a plan, Obito!"

"Who needs a plan?"

"That's my line, but- wait, damnit!"

"Hurry up!"


End file.
